However before we get to any of that malarkey, more important than that, is the fact that
was the person who originally taught me how to make crisp packet triangles. Without her this whole thing would never have started. For that, she should probably be sneered at by the sane people, but those who appreciate her fundamental contribution can e-mail me to discuss how you can repay her the massive debt that in your hearts you owe to her.
People who aren't famous, and who also have nothing to do with Crisp Packet Triangles
It had to happen, really, didn't it? Before I got to University, almost every time I was browsing the World Wide Web I would end up on some bored University student's pages, reading a load of drivel in which they said "hello" to lots of people that nobody else had ever heard of, or had any interest in. "When I get to University," I said to myself (out loud in an empty room), "there's no way I'm going to be sad enough to make a list like that."
Well I was wrong.
Here is an list (in alphabetical order) of people I know, or am aware of, or who are aware of me, and who have little or nothing to do with Crisp Packet Triangles (as far as I'm aware). "Hello" to them all. Oh and by the way it's currently nearly 2 o'clock in the morning, so not everything I say is going to be accurate (spellchecked yes; accurate no).
- Jennifer Anderson is a Yorkshire girl, and as you might imagine, can be quite scary. A force to be reckoned with, she [allegedly] grew romantic designs on an ex-floormate and upon discovering it was unrequited, ripped him into little pieces and sold him to the Catering Department as turkey pieces. Jennifer also sings and dances. I don't know whether she can sow.
- Nicola Chorley, proven expert in conducting a conversation by local e-mail with somebody who is sitting at the very next terminal, without actually talking to them. We actually met when we were eleven and didn't meet since. Isn't that interesting.
- Kate Ellis can't play Cheat to save her life but she's very good at Shithead. Watch her hands though; she might slip you a card too many if you stop looking for so much as a moment... too much time on her hands, obviously. Makes very nice tea and exceedingly good cakes.
- Toni Evans saw me making a Crisp Packet Triangle on a coach once. She wasn't impressed, so I killed her. Toni dyes her hair a different colour once an hour and can use sexual telepathy on any man who's had something private pierced. At time of writing, that's a hairy bloke called Jon.
- Ben Finkelstein is somebody I don't actually know, but he (or she) wrote to me to ask if his name could be included in this list of people. He describes himself as "3rd Assistant in Charge of Absolutely Nothing of Importance and Midshipman, United States Naval Academy". So I decided that the answer would be yes.
- Emma Ford. It was an accident. It was mistaken identity. Does a very good line in skinnyfit indie T-shirts promoting bands I don't like. Currently drunk (no matter when you might be reading this).
- Helen Fuller. A wantonly well-wishing wibbly-wobbly waxing weird werewolf worrier.
- Andy Gledhill. Scouse.
- Marisa Harlington. Scots.
- Andy Haw hasn't got much hair but he dyes it lots of different colours anyway. Andy can spend entire afternoons dropping Tic-Tacs onto a table. Footnote: disgusting, perverted and psychotic. May be noted by visiting his web site at http://www.geocities.com/soho/coffeehouse/5520/.
- Lisa Hawkins, she shares a house with me and stuff. She veggies and she is organised and things.
- Emma Johnston hates my guts- but in a really nice way, so that's OK. And anyway, she can't be too nasty because I know where she lives [evil grin]. Emma writes 200-million-word essays as a hobby and doesn't appreciate the way cameras have to be tilted downwards to see her. Emma absolutely and assuredly does not stress.
- Claire Kellett likes a good e-mailling every night. These Leeds girls are insatiable.
- Naheed Khan- are you a rich bachelor millionaire, about 28 years old with black hair and blue eyes? Well if so, get in touch because Naheed would love to talk to you, oh and marry you if that's OK. Apparently there are several applicants already under consideration but further interest (and even richer millionaires) are always welcomed. Obsessed with whips; claims that she doesn't giggle (but she does). Recently began hugging; owns biscuits.
- Maggie Kruger, despite the evil-related name, is a very nice person, and the Pilsbury Dough Boy has nothing to worry about. Knows more about film than most human beings ever could.
- James Lattimore has a web site that's funnier than mine. So I'm not going to tell anyone where it is. James might appear to be soft and friendly but don't let him cross-examine you about insurance premiums. Can draw, and can say funny things; but can't sing, and can't dance. Luckily he attempts neither the singing nor the dancing on his very highly recommended web site, that sits here in my estimation.
- Jenny Lewin is barking, barking, barking mad. She can draw like a demon and eat food like a saint.
- Sian Lewis. Posh Spice. Doesn't laugh, but cackles.
- Tom Lind-Jackson, a man who gets more excited about simple electronic noise than any other man I've ever met. Enjoys retro, good man.
- Becca Luger. Beneath a calm and collected exterior lies a demented and twisted psychopath just waiting to be let out, but then, that's true of most of the people she talks to too. To be honest I am struggling to find something particularly unique to say about Becca, which means that as soon as she reads this she will hunt me down and attack me with a giant axe whilst foaming at the mouth and screaming blue murder. But I just can't help it- she's quite a normal person.
- Howard Marsh. He just doesn't care. And he wears all black. He loves to do lighting and he loves his girlfriend slightly less. Does a good line in inviting people to sleep in people's rooms without those people knowing about it. Cheers Howard.
- Joyce Marshall, aka "Technical Joyce". Likes the company of marines, debates over Cosmopolation handbags, and yet, fundamentally, knows exactly what she's doing. Be impressed.
- Helen Merrills makes fantastic toast, but I never really want toast at 2:am so I just take other people's word for it. If her room is tidy, it's because I've been in there and tidied it up for her. Don't ask me why. It just happens. When Helen gets drunk she likes to challenge oncoming cars to a fight, and think very carefully about which student warden to really piss off each night. Like most people I know, Helen is far far far too athletic. Warning: do not play darts with this person.
- Bernie O'Neill is getting nowhere near my hair- ever. I don't care what she says or what ideas she has, it's just not going to happen. I like looking stupid, and borrowing Bernie's Georgio Armani glasses just adds to the comic irony. Footnote: She jogs too much and doesn't eat enough biscuits.
- Ruth Pearson can program in seven computer languages and beat you up in even more. One of few people I've met who can spend money more irrationally and more quickly than me. And for that she should be admired. Build me a PC, Ruth. Thanks.
- Rachel Roberts, half-sized Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy fan and for that she must be praised. Quite scarily owns the same hairstyle as me. Does an excellent "condascending". Girlfriend to Tim, who coincidentally is her boyfriend.
- Claire Rolph- does she play pool? Can peanuts bounce higher than a tree?! No. In her opinion unhappy music is happy music and happy music is false music, boo hoo. Claims never to have heard the word "work" except when referring to other people. Is lying. Sleeps a lot, and for long times in one go. Does not remind me of Bjerrrrrk.
- Catherine Seeds has never fallen out of Helen's first floor window, but it's not through want of trying. Can usually be found listening to quality music while pressing buttons. Also owns social life, and bike.
- Jame Smart, geriat-chick rowing man-chaser and all-round nice person, who does a good line in being patronising in that special way which you don't actually realise is deliberately patronising until after you've finished talking to her. Well, that's what I think anyway. But according to Jane, being a man I am wrong.
- Helen Southall. Laughs sweetly.
- Matt Speddings. Farmboy.
- Jenny Unsworth is none of the things that I might have accused her of being, even only in jest. An incurable and substantially sickening romantic. I'd say something else about her but basically that's all there is to say. The name "Simon" makes her slobber so much it stains the carpet.
- Richard Ward likes a lot of the music I like but still refuses to be dragged into the 1990s and instead remains very happy with Haircut 100. The misguided soul. Richard also has an encyclopaedic knowledge of Doctor Who, but attempts to forget it if he's out on the pull, which usually he's not (strange boy). Met Tom Baker yesterday, got my copy of Meglos signed for me. What a star.
- Lydia Watts tries to find the strangest men she can and drags them kicking and screaming back to her room in order to forcefeed them herbal tea in a suggestive manner. She spends four days in every week invisible to the naked eye, but if you put on special glasses then the bouncing figure can be seen from miles away.
- Rebecca Wigley. Wigleywigleywigleywigleywigleywigleywoooooooooooooooooooo!.
- Chris Wilkinson. Shows incomprehensibly high interest in Dutch birds.
- The people who were on my floor at Croft (Lee, Wes, James, Tony, & Tim) who will never read this because they will be too pissed. Forever.
- Quite a few people whose surnames I don't know and so I can't put them in alphabetical order, but they include Adam, Angela (x2), Cathy, Emma (x4), Gail, Howard, Rachel, and Samantha.
- A few people whose first names I don't know but I know all your faces and it's the thought that counts. You know who you are (or at least I hope you do, otherwise you're having a bit of an identity crisis aren't you?)
That wasn't funny. It wasn't interesting. I don't care. Go away.
Incidentally, if anyone has actually read this, most of the above is true. If you have any queries e-mail me and I will be happy to give you a cursory and brief explanation in English.
The Crisp Packet Triangle Shrine Zone is ©opyright Stuart Bruce 1996-2000. Back to the central shrine zone.
